her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
