Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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