I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
