I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
