I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
