how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
