So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
