Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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