Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
