Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
