ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
