I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
