if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
