Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need to stop coming to work sober
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
