Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
