first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
