And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
