I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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