If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
