It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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