saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
