And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
