New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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