yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
