SEEEEXXX PLEASE
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
