Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
