You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
