why didn't you poke me back
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
