Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
