I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
