i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
