Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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