and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
