Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
