her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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