i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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