11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
