There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
