great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
