I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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