I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
