When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
