I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
