I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
