I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
