We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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