And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Come on in and take your pants off
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