Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
