So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We are two peas in an std pod
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
