Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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