I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
