Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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