when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
