im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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