I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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