Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
