i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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